Bathtub thoughts: June 2, 2005
While I am certain that most (all) of you do not want the image of me floating naked in the tub, that’s where I found myself this morning. As I lay there, warm and comfy, floating in the warm water, my mind began to wander. On any occasion, this is a scary thing.
I started pondering life on this planet. This is a tough place! Up until recent decades, you had to be a bad ass to survive here. Every place you go on the planet, there are things trying to kill and eat you. From the smallest bacteria to the biggest sharks, you are simply a meal. This doesn’t even take into account all the other critters that would just as soon kill you as pass gas. Don’t ever try to pet the hippos. They’re mean.
Humans don’t like to be left out of anything, so we do our best to control our population by inventing such things as “drugs” and “money” and “shoes” to kill each other over. We also invent strange and wonderful things, also to kill. We started simply enough: Choking and hitting. That worked perfectly well but as a species, we are always looking for new and better ways to kill the cat so we can skin it. So we invent the spear. Now we can kill things that are out of reach! This is exciting stuff that leads to the mini-cooper of the era, the bow and arrow. Now we can get together and form armies (and fight WARS!!! JOY!) So we spend the better part of 15 centuries killing with these weapons (and some derivatives, like slings and catapults). Then Gandalf leaves the recipe for his fireworks behind in China. This leads to a whole new invention: firearms. We invent pistols and rifles and grenades and rockets. This only whets the appetite, so we utilize science (in spite of its beneficial side-effects like medicine) to develop chemical weapons. We name them after condiments, like mustard and use them to help hold “World Wars”. Now we were getting somewhere. If only we could find a way to take out entire cities at once… so humanity turns to German engineering combined with American cognitive dissonance and comes up with the Nuclear weapon. After using it once or twice for kicks, we realize that it doesn’t meet its intended purpose. It actually ENDED a war, which is the opposite of what we were after. If you want to see the above in action, please feel free to travel to Iraq, Sudan, or East St. Louis for a first hand view of yourself being killed.
It’s not like we’re focused on killing each other only. We’ll take out anything with a heart beat. Kids stomp on bugs. Adults shoot anything on 4 legs under any circumstances and call it hunting. “Hey Earl, I was huntin’ in the back yard this morning and bagged me a ‘possum, three rats, a cat and old man Jenkins.” Now, we’ve got a guy in Texas who has an entire business around internet hunting. For a fee, you can use your home PC and internet connection to take control of a firearm on his ranch. You get to aim and shoot at anything that moves. This guy will even ship the dead animal to you. He swears its not a video game.
I want to reiterate, it is the entire planet.
Turn on the Discovery channel, or Science network. It’s like watching snuff films all day.
[Open to a grassy plain in the African Savannah]
(Narrator) “…as the meerkats playfully romp through the grass, they are blissfully unaware that death is circling in from above. As the attentive adults observe the skyline carefully, surveying for any sign of predator, they miss the bird of prey diving down…”
(Nala the cutest Meerkat cub ever) “SQUEEEEEEAL!”
(Narrator) “…and just like that, Nala’s story has ended. The remaining Meerkats scurry into their burrows, living to play another day.”
Who or what created this madness and to what purpose? Setting aside my belief system for a moment, I determine that all the facts above point out that Ted Nugent might be the supreme being. Can you picture him up in heaven? Every time a critter gets snuffed, you can almost hear the “Yeeaaarrrgh” of joy from above. I’ll never listen to Cat Scratch Fever the same way again.
I started pondering life on this planet. This is a tough place! Up until recent decades, you had to be a bad ass to survive here. Every place you go on the planet, there are things trying to kill and eat you. From the smallest bacteria to the biggest sharks, you are simply a meal. This doesn’t even take into account all the other critters that would just as soon kill you as pass gas. Don’t ever try to pet the hippos. They’re mean.
Humans don’t like to be left out of anything, so we do our best to control our population by inventing such things as “drugs” and “money” and “shoes” to kill each other over. We also invent strange and wonderful things, also to kill. We started simply enough: Choking and hitting. That worked perfectly well but as a species, we are always looking for new and better ways to kill the cat so we can skin it. So we invent the spear. Now we can kill things that are out of reach! This is exciting stuff that leads to the mini-cooper of the era, the bow and arrow. Now we can get together and form armies (and fight WARS!!! JOY!) So we spend the better part of 15 centuries killing with these weapons (and some derivatives, like slings and catapults). Then Gandalf leaves the recipe for his fireworks behind in China. This leads to a whole new invention: firearms. We invent pistols and rifles and grenades and rockets. This only whets the appetite, so we utilize science (in spite of its beneficial side-effects like medicine) to develop chemical weapons. We name them after condiments, like mustard and use them to help hold “World Wars”. Now we were getting somewhere. If only we could find a way to take out entire cities at once… so humanity turns to German engineering combined with American cognitive dissonance and comes up with the Nuclear weapon. After using it once or twice for kicks, we realize that it doesn’t meet its intended purpose. It actually ENDED a war, which is the opposite of what we were after. If you want to see the above in action, please feel free to travel to Iraq, Sudan, or East St. Louis for a first hand view of yourself being killed.
It’s not like we’re focused on killing each other only. We’ll take out anything with a heart beat. Kids stomp on bugs. Adults shoot anything on 4 legs under any circumstances and call it hunting. “Hey Earl, I was huntin’ in the back yard this morning and bagged me a ‘possum, three rats, a cat and old man Jenkins.” Now, we’ve got a guy in Texas who has an entire business around internet hunting. For a fee, you can use your home PC and internet connection to take control of a firearm on his ranch. You get to aim and shoot at anything that moves. This guy will even ship the dead animal to you. He swears its not a video game.
I want to reiterate, it is the entire planet.
Turn on the Discovery channel, or Science network. It’s like watching snuff films all day.
[Open to a grassy plain in the African Savannah]
(Narrator) “…as the meerkats playfully romp through the grass, they are blissfully unaware that death is circling in from above. As the attentive adults observe the skyline carefully, surveying for any sign of predator, they miss the bird of prey diving down…”
(Nala the cutest Meerkat cub ever) “SQUEEEEEEAL!”
(Narrator) “…and just like that, Nala’s story has ended. The remaining Meerkats scurry into their burrows, living to play another day.”
Who or what created this madness and to what purpose? Setting aside my belief system for a moment, I determine that all the facts above point out that Ted Nugent might be the supreme being. Can you picture him up in heaven? Every time a critter gets snuffed, you can almost hear the “Yeeaaarrrgh” of joy from above. I’ll never listen to Cat Scratch Fever the same way again.
posted by Mattdaddy | 8:54 AM
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